NOT The MotoGP News: Awash in Sea-Pang
Welcome to NOT The MotoGP News – a new blog by Guy Anderson, taking what is often referred to as a ‘sideways look’ that the world of our favourite sport. Though not by us, we hate that phrase. In the first of the new blogs, Guy examines at the mounting excitement as the 2016 campaigns get underway with the Sepang test…
Oh – and when you’re done, make sure to go follow Guy on Twitter.
Sea-pang. They’re off to Sea-pang. Hermann Tilke’s great foray into the lands of the Far East, though the circuit could be anywhere barren to be honest. Apart from the humidity.
But the Motogp boys need to test and they need to test soon before we all get bored and become mad junkies getting our fix from watching scooter racing on Motors TV.
Gucci and all the other European manufacturers have built up stocks of handbags for the two great protagonists of our generation. Valentino “Doctor in the House” Rossi and Marc “smiley teeth” Marquez have been training all winter; making sure they have those muscles in tip-top condition to throw the first handbag. Whilst “Gorgeous” Jorge Lorenzo has no doubt been inviting middle east TV production companies into his crib to show off yet more bling. And Dani has probably been sleeping in a bath of Icelandic crystal water trying to grow a little.
So what have the rest of the riders been up to?
Brad Smith went camping in Scotland an enjoyed it even without much hair left to keep his noggin warm.
Scott Redding seems to have a girlfriend with almost as many tats as him.
Eugene just still looks like the coolest man on a bike even when he’s not on one.
Jack Miller-Lite has broken his leg training on a Moto-X bike, but hey – HRC wont have a Tokyo-anchor for him at Sea-pang anyway.
And Petruci should be about finished filming that kinda film in some apartment in Italy pretty soon. If he has any energy left.
But who cares? All 99% of us are interested in is Rossi and Marquez. And that Aussie bloke. Will Stoner just fly into Sea-pang to annoy Rossi, do 2 laps at some pace so fast no-one can get close to him and then fly home to fish for more prawns? We think so. The milk-dodging toothy bloke from Australia just looks like he wants to irritate the Italian a bit more. And irritate Marquez too. Marquez has said Stoner’s development on the 2015 RCV was negligible, so what better way to upset yet another Latino by whipping past him on a hot lap*.
*For fans of John Hopkins, a hot lap doesn’t involve a scantily clad lady in a club that just has a shiny pole bolted floor-to-ceiling.
Moving off at a tangent as we like to do before the Tourettes sets in, there hasn’t been a better season since the last great season** and we’re going to reap the benefit this year. Yep – BTSport are back! Looks like BTSport will retain the core centre forwards – Huewen and Ryder the well known solicitors and sherry drinkers. Burnley’s favourite son and IoM resident, Neil Hodgson started like a WSBK champ in Dutch bordello; hot and fast, and has continued to impress as S*z* once said. Looks like he’ll be there too. Since losing Matt Birt to world-feed, these three have been key to the UK race fan; the rest have been more useless than Grimshaw on Radio1. Top-knot wearing, filler-sporting other WSBK WC Jamezzzz isn’t the guy you’d want to watch unless there was some paint drying on Motors TV. So that’s who we put up with and that’s what we’re going to moan about. Here at this blog we’re happy to bitch and whine about anyone who annoys us.
But riders, racing and speed. Lets get back to that bit after drifting off and away from the action. And action is what we’re going to get at Sea-pang….. loads of it. In fact so much that if BTSports do show the action they wont bother sending anyone, they’ll be sensible and take the world-feed complete with Matt Birt and the caretaker from the circuit. And that will do us! Cos we’ve had bugger all since Valencia and Valencia was the kind of overload your teachers told you was dangerous and your parents warned you against when you were 8. And drank gallons of Sunny Delight. But it was more infectious than Ebola! In fact right from Argentina and Assen to Philip Island, and through to Valencia we got more excitement than Jimmy Savile did in a kindergarten. And now it all kicks off again, with Rossi and his entourage all revved up since losing Marc Marquez’s merchandising contract. And Marquez and his dad (hang on – is he still going to races? That’s a bit weird isn’t it?) still looking for a new t-shirt printing company. Baseball caps too!
So the opening shots will be in Sea-pang. If they have a press conference will DORNA pop a few speed tabs and let slip the dogs of war? Will we get to see a re-match better than gay-baiting Tyson Fury v. Wladimir Klitschko? You bet. All we need to make it outrageous is for one of the two of them to knock Cal off his bike and then wait for the explosions.
**copyright any number of tired, hackneyed journalists and broadcasters.