NOT the MotoGP News: Qatar – Lights! Camera! False Start!

Welcome to NOT The MotoGP News – our blog by Guy Anderson. Oh – and when you’re done, make sure to go follow Guy on Twitter – @SirGuyGuisborne

There we go; the first one is done.

No-one hit any camels, though Redding got the best camel joke in after QP, and no camel-toe jokes escaped into the broadcast world.

Men wearing robes booed just as well as chavs in long shorts. Great (not)!

After Moto2, everyone got twitchy about lights. Not the ten thousand around the track, but the 2 or 3 lights that start the race. But MotoGP can’t be bothered to give us a bit of excitement right at the start of the season; we were left feeling a bit disappointed to be honest. We could have done with more mayhem in Race Direction and on the track right from the start. And after five laps we bet you wished for a jump start or two didn’t you?

For British viewers and anyone else who has managed to hack into BitSpurt’s coverage, we are one race down and no sign of Edwards sticking his tongue out. Like there are two Nakagamis, there may be two Colins; this one is funny, informative and doesn’t have BBQs. And doesn’t have oil either. More power to his errrrr tongue. Oh, and not one commentator’s said anything about riders’ own shadows overtaking themselves or dew or sand on the track this year. THIS IS A WORLD FIRST! Hallelujah and pray towards Mecca!

As for the race, Dani seemed to have got stuck behind a sand dune on the start line and didn’t play a part in the race really apart from having a fight with his replacement on the Repsol next year (Viñales).

Iannone fell off when he shouldn’t have and gave Dovi his best result in ages. Well since last race at Qatar really. We love Dovi here (mainly because he held Honda to account a few years back), and just to see his beaming face on the grid or in a press conference makes all the difference.

The race became a processional snooze fest, and we only kept awake because it was the first race of the season. Lorenzo might just bore us by adapting to the Michelins and make them look like Bridgstones. FFS! However, his fairing looks a like a massive tea-tray in a craft shop in the Cotswolds, and they look naff. So a super fast Buddhist loving Spaniard is on a Japanese bike fitted with English tea-trays! Bang! We that call “cosmopolitan”! Dovi followed him after getting past Marquez and made it a 1-2 on the tea-tray front. Englishmen everywhere of a certain age revelled in the tea-tray effect. Meanwhile Marquez revelled in copping a face load of dirty-air that no doubt de-stabilised his bike a bit more than he already does. To be fair to the off-spring of The Joker he does chuck it around a fair bit without having dirty air help him. Rossi took the time he had to have a race with just about himself. He was not quite there, but almost – which was frustrating. That big fight with Marquez will have to wait another day.

Down the field there were some strange happenings, not least Crutch Low having to bale off his ‘Onda as the throttle stuck open as he came up to a corner. The tough little oik earned his corn on Sunday. As we’ve said Ian Knee-No-Knee bit the Qatari sand early doors too and played no more.

So it was a bit like watching the latest Star Wars movie; you knew you had to, but maybe left wanting more.

So Moto2 was shambles not on the track but in Race Direction. Jump starts, ride throughs, and indecision ruled the race. Swiss gold hoarder Tom Luthi snuck the top place though Franco Morbidelli made us watch the full race. Even though he was penalised by some weird case of witchcraft and stupidity for a jump start we all knew he’d made but Race Direction didn’t spot until someone (must have) snitched to them. The start was like watching a group of virgin boys in a brothel; talk about hair triggers all waiting to go off! And once one went a load more followed. Discipline is the word. Ahem.

Eventually Race Direction gave Morbidelli a 20 second penalty and instead of finishing second behind Luthi he finished 7th. And Luis Salom surprised us all by being a tremendously happy bunny in parc ferme (just in tine for Easter). He did what every Spanish boy should do, and thanked his mum. Mum’s are wonderful and should always be thanked after a race rather than doing what the Americans do and end up thanking their sponsors in a way that just mangles the English language even more (I mean color is spelt colour and don’t get us started on buoy).

Luthi could run away with this series and make it a bit boring, so we’re hoping the Frenchman allezs his way back to the front in Argentina.

Moto3 is like watching a group of assassins at an assassination convention. Should that be a stiletto of assassins? None of them work together, none of the trust any of the others and none of them dare turn their backs on any of the others. Phew! This is what we pay for!

Most of the riders are probably whacked off their minds on a combination of Clearsil spot treatment and testosterone. We suspect some even mainline on hair products. No matter – it produces the best racing of the weekend. Unfortunately for the Brits, “Nanny” McPhee stormed backwards to finish 27th. For a pale skinned Scot riding in the dark, the opportunity doesn’t get any better. #balls

Antonelli rode like a cut-throat and sneaked the win 7 thousandths of a gnat’s cock hair from Brad Binned-her. Except for once he didn’t and did himself proud. We’re not going to get caught out trying to type those names we can’t spell so let’s just say Loi finished 8th and leave it at that?

Next up is Argentina. Land of the best steak in the world. Any veggies in the paddock?

Photo source: motogp.com