NOT the MotoGP News: No three stars for fat Mich…

Welcome to NOT The MotoGP News – our blog by Guy Anderson. Oh – and when you’re done, make sure to go follow Guy on Twitter – @SirGuyGuisborne

Her name is Rio and she dances on the track… (That’s in Brazil, not Argentina! – Ed)

Its predominately black and is a circle.

Yep it’s a circuit. And a tyre.

No prizes for guessing they’re linked. However Michelin let us down, the riders down, the teams down and most of themselves down by failing to get a tyre to connect with the other in any meaningful way.

The races in Argentina gave us the most excitement since last time we had a lot of excitement. (ummmm Sepang you fool – Ed).

Apart from the ace track and plentiful supply of steak, the circuit is nearly in Chile and is miles away from any KwikFit tyre store. The steaks are probably the best in the world but we bet all the riders except Low Crutch ate pasta. The Mediterranean diet is a joy to behold if you like pasta. Us? We’d take a steak when in Argentina. And that travel thing – one of the Chuckle Brothers (if you’re not a Brit, you’ll have to Google that), we’re sorry, we mean Marquez brothers (Marc) took 60 hours to get there! Talk about not wanting to go. Like a schoolboy dragging his heals on his way to extra maths, but unable to avoid the class, he got there in the end. Even being knackered and scared after an aeroplane engine fire didn’t give him enough excuses to leg it straight to Austin.

Just before we waffle on about the races, we need to mention the tyres; the Michelin men will be getting no stars for serving up more pasta albeit inedible, and unreliable. Scott Redding’s rear tyre did its best to give him a new tattoo when it destroyed itself at high speed during FP4. After proving that they’ve learnt lessons when tyres were an issue for Bridgestone at Philip Island, DORNA let Michelin do the same thing; panic, run around a lot and then have two 10 lap sprints. With a bike swap in the muddle. Sorry we mean middle

So before we get to the main course of steak and chips we need to demolish the amuse bouche. Just who the heck is he? Where did he come from and where will he go to? No, not Livio Loi, but Khairul Idham Pawi…! One thing is certain; during the race only Neil Spalding used the word “underbone” without sniggering. You think a spotty jean-dragging youth from Swindon on a Dominos delivery moped is fast in the wet? No nor do we. But Wowee Pawi is (thanks Clare). So fast that ‘Onda chucked him on a 2-fiddy. Proving that lemon grass is better than pasta, the rest of the mainly Mediterranean field were miles behind.

Fellow Malayan Adam Norrodin got perilously close to making it a Far East 1-2 but decided the TV coverage was all a bit too much and acrobatted himself off at the last corner. He still managed to beat Fenati, who is using his nine career lives quicker than a cat on a motorway. Actually Loi beat Fenati too, and he was on the new fangled “intermediate wets” Crash have discovered. Likely championship winner Navarro saved Spanish blushes by getting on the podium, beating Brad Binned-her. Bloody hell that was good to watch. Well apart from BitSpurt comms crow-barring “Pawi Power” into the race more than once.

So after the amuse bouche, its onto the starter. The moto2 race boiled down to:
• Charles Aznavour look-a-like Johann Zarco
• Hooligan Lowes
• Jonas hot’n’cold Folger and
• Franco “good fellas” Morbidelli.

Basically these guys rocked a phat un on a Friday night in acid house club in Tilbury. And no mistake. After slagging off Moto2 earlier this season, we’d watch these four if they raced like this every week.

Sam Lowes riding style is basically “its not mine I couldn’t care less how hard I thrash it.” Whereas Zarco rides like he pays for every screw, washer and new chain – as smooth as Lorenzo. There really is nothing funny nor jokey we can say about this race, it was just full of good clean fun. Oh Alex Marquez fell off unhurt. That’s his career curve still on a downward turn. Chuckle brother indeed. Faster than Marc indeed. Or not.

So the big dish of the day. The plat du jour. Well spiralise this guys; the Michelin boys and race direction and the teams decided to have a race with an intermission mid-way for tea and scones served off the tea-trays of Lorenzo’s bike. Except he fell off before they could get to the tea break. Yes, the tyres didn’t work, or more accurately no one believed they would work for more than 12 laps. So everyone had to swap onto their spare bike with slicks fitted. This is the safest thing to do. Isn’t it? Well not if you’re Alvaro the handsome Spanish one who managed to fall off in pit lane as he tried to change bikes, whilst taking out one of his pit crew.

In the race, madly deluded Italian hot-head Iannone stormed down the inside line into turn one lap one and couldn’t stop. He used the back of Marquez’s bike to help him stop, dislodging the camera from Marc’s bike. Luckily this meant no more pics of Marquez’s bum which was a blessed relief to most. To be honest the Ducatis went like bullets on the straights. And then Dovi and Iannone managed to turn them on this really bad rubber Michelin supplied so that that for most of the race they were in the top four. Lorenzo came, went and fell in the first half. Dani didn’t even come, but he didn’t fall either and got third place. But no one saw him until the press conference after. We’ve a feeling he stopped and just came out at the end (you know – like these sneaky marathon runners do). But the highlight of the day was again Iannone’s madcap idea of over or undertaking a rider. In this case his teammate Dovizioso. After working out how to stop at turn one without falling off, Iannone seemed to think the last corners at Termas de Río Hondo were championship deciders and he needed another position to win the title. This manoeuvre could only be called safe and measure by a fule. And we’re no fools here. You all know the outcome; he and Dovi became one and then slid up the road with Dovi pretty much managing to give him the bird as he slid on his arse. We’ve no idea how Iannone has so far managed to hold onto his job after that or even managed to wake up in his bed without a horse’s head next to him. He musty have some serious pictures of Gigi and that spaniel.

Marquez made the best of the bike change and left Rossi – who was in second place at the change over – like an asthmatic running up a down escalator.

So Marquez pootled off to win by a comfortable margin, Rossi came second and Pedrosa third. Third?!?!? Wt actual f? Well, massively and sensible respect to Scott Redding who caught and passed Dani, and then broke down. Well his bike did, and he probably did later after being robbed of a podium.

So here’s the Editors pun; after all that, there was no Argy bargy (I’m sorry – I’m contractually obliged to put that in or I’ll wake up with a horse’s head in my bed).

Ps – it seems half of the paddock are still stuck in Argentina, and wont be in Austin before this gets published on line; more steak anyone *burp…!*

Thanks to motogp.com for the pic in the header image.