NOT The MotoGP News: Steve Austin and his bionic eye reports…

 In MotoGP, News, NOT The MotoGP News

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Welcome to NOT The MotoGP News – our blog by Guy Anderson. Oh – and when you’re done, make sure to go follow Guy on Twitter – @SirGuyGuisborne

Austin… Steve Austin, the $6 million dollar man. Well for $6million dollars these days you can’t even buy a top 4 rider for a season. Back in the day of Steve Austin, $6million would buy you a new pair of legs; an eye; an ear and shed load of other hi-tech stuff plus a go on Farrah Fawcett.

In the UK the word Austin was normally followed by words such as sh*t, or cr*p, or rusty bucket of *&^%$£@! But it is a city in the country of Tex-arse where weirdness happens. (Have they never been to Swansea?)

And now they say the Circuit of all the whole of the Americas is up for sale. We’re hoping Mexico people buy it and ship the whole circuit off to Mexico City. This would please Donnie Trump who would no doubt demand the Mexicans build a wall around it.

The track is a bit good in places and bit daft in others. A typical Tilke circuit – looks good from the air, but has corners that frustrate. And hey, any circuit looks good in the sun and Tex-arse has plenty of that. Except when it rains.

In Moto3 the perpetual underperformer proved that Rossi has a large foot. With the memory of the kick up the arse, Romano Fenati realised that having to walk back to Italy from Texas was not a good option, so he went out and won. After qualifying pretty well too. For a rider with so much skill the counter to that is that he’s blessed with the same looks at Low Crutch; rough, tough and a little bit dangerous.

Meanwhile Jorge Navarro had a Sunday ride out by himself and finished second. So it seems the pasta-eating Latinos made good after allowing the lemongrass-loving Pawi to win in Argentina. Brad Binned-her didn’t and came third and is leading the Moto3 championship, desperate to get a race back in the home country. As for Antonelli. What a waste of a flight ticket. And time. And money. Never has one human failed so well at COTA as he has. Every time Niccoló has flown to Austin he has never ever seen the chequered flag. Except on TV. But we love him. Sort of.

We’ll do a mid-season round up of this class of 2016, in errrr mid-season. (“Lay off the X-boxes you feckless gits.” is our suggestion)

Moto2 reverted to type – by god we’re fed up defending this tosh. After Argentina we really were up for some proper racing by the adolescents of racing. And just like a moping surly teenager they did exactly the opposite. Mike Scott reckons the bikes are over-tyred. We reckon the series is just plainly tired.

Rins took it from Lowes by a smidge over 2 seconds, with Zarco 5 seconds behind Lowes. See? That interesting!

The championship tells a slightly different story. Oliver Musical Artful Dodger look-a-like Sam Lowes is one point ahead of the plasterer’s mate from Tilbury (that’s Rins) who is one point ahead of the smooth, suave sophisticate Zarco. Two points behind is Toblerone Luthi.

After the Argy Bargy of Argentina, it looked like Michelin had sorted the tyres, until they announced a return to flying in Saturday night specials; this time for everyone, not just Rossi. Yep – the fat men from Clermont Ferrand ponied up the dosh and flew in some more tyres. Just in case. Our man in Bridgestone (apart from laughing like a hysterical loon) has assured us that they have already started production of MotoGP tyres again although they’re badged with another’s name. Code name for our source? Rubber Johnny.

Practices and Quali all got a bit weird with people falling off, jumping off and just not wanting to stay on a bike at all. The thing is to do all that before the race, and not during eh Valentino? And not hurt yourself eh Jack? Give Jack Miller his due; he had the most legitimate reason for not riding the race. Rossi had the best (we mean most implausible) excuse – “I burnt the clutch out”. Ahem. Just like a 17 year-old idiot in his dad’s car for the first time. Rossi then promptly fell off in embarrassment.

As ever the early laps were best. Marquez got a got start, Lorenzo was a little better but ran wide. The excitement of Aleix Asparagus passing Rossi was about it.

Whilst Marquez was riding like he did a few years ago – throwing shapes like a demented clubber – Pedrosa did even better and had a moment going into turn 1. When we say “moment” we mean he lost it. There will be more RCV213s in Tokyo Bay harbour than fish soon. Pedrosa looked like he was strapped to an out of control bucking bronco as he braked. As @wgtarrant (hello Will) described it, it was nearly death by Pedrosa.

William George – ‏@wgtarrant
@SirGuyGuisborne may I suggest death by Pedrosa… stand at the top of any hill and wait a bit.

Being hit by Dani is ok; he weighs 20kg. But being hit by Dani on an out of control ‘Onda doing 30-40mph isn’t ok. And who did Dani hit? Yep. Perpetual decent bloke Andrea Dovizioso. We can’t think of a conspiracy as to why Iannone and Pedrosa don’t like Dovi, but we’re wearing our tin foil hats and no-one is going to get to us. No sireee.

Without fail, 99.9% of the world think Dani went straight over to aplogise whilst Dovi was on his knees trackside. We’ve heard he just laughed and then quoted some lines from the “Art of War” by Sun Tzu. Or not.

Brit double act and vaudeville stars Flanagan and Allen fell at the same corner in the same lap one in front of each other. And watching Flanagan (or was it Allen?) perform their skipping comedy routine was just what Carmelo ordered if the race got boring. Pure synchronized comedy gold chaps. Your money is in Panama already.

So Marquez got to wear a ten-gallon Stetson hat on the podium, whilst being given the naffest winner’s trophy ever – the handle bars off a Raleigh Grifter. Lorenzo and Iannone made the most of Rossi not being on the podium and had a selfie with Marquez. That needs to be banned before strakes to be honest.

Next up we’re back in the land of Europe. Jerez to be specific. You remember? The circuit where Rossi fell out of love with Sete on the last corner. Nothing like that incident could happen again, could it………….?

Photo: motogp.com

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