Not The MotoGP News: Simply Red – Holding Back The Tears

Welcome to NOT The MotoGP News – our blog by Guy Anderson. Oh – and when you’re done, make sure to go follow Guy on Twitter – @SirGuyGuisborne

 

So Vale rolled back the years, choked back any tears, and pinned back the ears… He won!

Not since the last time the near-octogenarian won has DORNA been so happy.

Jerez is one of those circuits that makes you wonder why anyone even has Tilke’s phone number. The track is sublime, spoilt only by the carbuncle over the finishing line from where Uncle Carmelo sits. And this Sunday Uncle Carmelo was rubbing his hands with glee. Rossi has helped fill those Panamanian bank accounts once again. Goat? Golden Goose more like.

Lets start with the best race of the weekend; Moto3. Fenati. Fenati. Fenati. Look he’s nearly doing the QP thing really good now. Pastor Rossi, draped in the deep purple of the Holi Order of Tavullia, spoke. And verily Fenati did listen. On Friday anyway. And then on Friday night the pasta, and olive oil, and pan di spagna takes over and come Saturday ….. slump.

A country mile away from pole Fenati fought desperately to slide back down the order once the flag dropped. And somehow he managed it in the opening laps. But that thought of Monsignor Rossi with a crucifix in one hand and a Berretta 9mm in the other soon had Fenati flying. To finish 7th. Oh dear.

No matter – more important was the utter royal screw up the KTM factory made of Brad Binner-her’s bike. Like all good Austrians (they’re Australians if you’re reading this in America) they held their hand up and admitted they’d broken the embargo Apple had put on the next software update. Premature installation of iOS10! Now Brad Binned-her can listen to Zane Lowe whilst changing gear by swiping left to right. Viking descendant Aki Ajo looked to have maintained his cool on hearing the news from KTM, but 4000 kittens have mysteriously disappeared from the surrounding area of the KTM factory.

Binned-her has come up smelling of roses this season. And that is beginning to bore us in the office. If Carol Hannika wasn’t falling off, Binned-her would. Until now. As a result of the lash-up, Binned-her was made to start from the back of the grid. To make Brad look good, Antonelli decided to start from pit lane. And then fall off again. Fenati must be his best mate, as Antonelli is making Fenati look positively stellar.

Anywho, Brad legged it from last to win by the cliched country mile. Previously overrated by everyone Brad is now wondering if he should ever go back to South Africa. Three seconds behind Brad stormed Bulega. Another rider Fenati won’t send a Christmas card to. To make matters worse, Bulega is Fenati’s team mate. Oh dear. And Bagnaia beat him and he (Bagnaia) was on an Indian version of the Briggs & Stratton…

Kuba Kornfeil did us proud and rocked up in fifth just behind hot favourite for the title and all-round good guy Jorge Navarro. Even though twelve (yes 12!!!) riders fell off or broke down, as usual the junior class proved to be the best of the weekend.

Moto2 is still the Hyde and Jekyll of this merry go round but this weekend Sam Lowes owned the Jerez circuit. The Brit pocket-rocket took off like the proverbial stabbed rat. Not only in Quali but in the race too. Never has Fausto Gresini been so happy. No seriously. The perpetually dour-faced small guy has a permanent smile of his face these days. The race was as stretched out as a Ducati chequebook in the direction of Lorenzo. Luckily the tarmac at Jerez is so tired, bikes tend to fall over a lot. So this meant at any moment Lowes could have binned it just by looking at the tarmac in the wrong way. But if there’s one thing we know here, its that Spanish tarmac is definitely scared of Lowes and his shiny teeth.

Seven did fall off. Or broke down. Poster boy Dan “the man” Kent isn’t having as easy as he did last year and failed to score a point. Having a super-duper fast bike is one thing. Riding a Tokyo Bay anchor is another. And a few things to note – Not one Suter is in the paddock anymore; they must be making more money selling two-stroke stink wheels to rich playboys than selling frames to Moto2 teams. Shame. And Jesko Raffin rides for the best named team on the grid; Sports-Millions-EMWE-SAG. No idea what it means.

So the biggies. Well unless you lived under a rock for the past few days, you’ll know Pastor Rossi won by a country mile. The Old goat wanted to show Fenati what to do, and how to do it. And he wanted to show his bezzie mate Lorenzo what a mistake Lorenzo had made letting Rossi push him to Ducati. Signing for Ducati!?! We doubt Rossi cares how big Lorenzo’s balls really are. All we know is that now Rossi will be the one getting the best corporate tea-bagging* from Yamaha ever. The thought of getting a reach-round from Jarvis inspired Rossi into getting all motivated and winning from pole. Lorenzo followed his mate from a distance and Marquez did likewise. It was boring. Great track, boring race.

Dani has become the invisible man; if he wasn’t so nice we’d slag him off for being rubbish. He’s not really; Honda have just built the most expensive anchor and told him it’s all he’ll get. To be fair, Joker tribute act Marc Marquez isn’t having much fun either. You can’t say that of Suzuki. The bike looks sexier than Kylie in a barrel of melted chocolate. Aleix Asparagus and Tom Cruise are heading every Ducati in the Championship. Once again “Ha!”. Talking of Ducati, Dovi must have shot a black cat with a mirror; less luck than a Michelin tyre fitter in a room of Dunlop tyre fitters. And what’s more the top two Ducatis in the championship are Barbera and Laverty. Jorge, have you made the right decision?

As for the bikes, there are more tea trays on display than at Betties of Harrogate (you really will have to Google that). They say they are going to be banned at the end of the season. But in the meantime we’ll have to put up with them.

In the end Rossi was happy, Lorenzo smiled when the cameras were pointing at him, and then looked furious when he thought they weren’t and Marquez looked a bit more mature (and with a 17 point Championship lead)

Le Mans next; wet. Plus escargot, baguettes, wine, cheese and short hop over the channel to watch. Well, why wouldn’t you?

*never, ever search the web for images of this when you’re at work.

Photo source: motogp.com