NOT the MotoGP News: Vorsprung durch turnip…

 In News, NOT The MotoGP News


Welcome to NOT The MotoGP News – our blog by Guy Anderson. Oh – and when you’re done, make sure to go follow Guy on Twitter – @SirGuyGuisborne

Really Sachsenring is in the wrong country. Almost the wrong continent. It is such a Mickey Mouse track it should be in America, or at a push Euro Disney near Paris. To be honest we’re a fickle bunch of losers here in the office; only the other day we called Le Mans a Mickey Mouse track too.

At the moment it’s about 2000C here in the UK, and it’s not nice for pasty Anglo-Saxons. But it’s much better than being in the miserable, windy, grey wet conditions that Sachsenring offered.

But the show went on just like the argument about winglets/strakes, whatever you want to call them goes on. And the sausage-munching beer-drinking Krauts rocked up in their tens to see the spectacle. All that rain and wind and being wet, and cold with trench foot must have set a few little ideas running inside their collective memories about why they shouldn’t invade anywhere these days.

It is very difficult not to love Moto3 even more. It truly is akin to going to the school disco to watch a bunch of teenage hooligans drink one bottle of alco-pop between them and then start a fight. We’ve now ticked rain and wind off the list of things that might slow them down. Plague of locusts? Doubt it. Seismic shift in the tectonic plates of the Earth’s crust? Nope. In fact we’re pretty sure even a leak from a nuclear reactor in Fukushima would just make them ride faster.

In qualifying, which was dry, the top 19 were all European, Ono or Brad Binned-her. And twentieth was Khairul Idham Pawi. Now where have we seen that name before….? Race day was, as you know, wet, and by the end of the first lap KIP was just 1.4 seconds off the leader in seventh. Nine riders didn’t manage to finish with Mir off before completing a lap…. Ignominy. Turn 8 copped more action than a rent boy at a Tory Party conference with most riders who fell there seeming to be worried more about Turn 11, and getting all relaxed only to…whoops….

By the way, Pawi romped home by a country mile.

Moto2… look – falling off is not obviously outside of a rider’s control all the time, but you can’t count falling off as a reason to call Moto2 entertaining. However there are times when this idea just gets stretched to breaking point. Please DORMA, let other manufacturers provide engines. Anything to cheer up this paint-drying racing. We’re getting on a bit in this office, but even we think Pokémon Go! would be more interesting, especially knowing the right 3DS emulators contact. Actually how about fitting them/it/whatever to the bikes…….?

Twelve riders didn’t finish. The race for the first two places was good, and the greatest rider called Mattia never to win a WC came fourth. Still to this day we get misty-eyed thinking of him on a 125. Can’t DORMA just give him an honorary title for making him ride a Moto2 boat anchor? Charles Aznavour tribute act Johann Zarco took the top step. That’s all we can say, unless you’d like us to slag off Moto2 a bit more.

By a long shot the saddest yet most intriguing aspect of MotoGP was how dispirited Lorenzo could become. Jorge looked more and more like Little Bo Peep who not only had lost his sheep, but then spotted a wolf lighting a barbeque.

Some riders fade away gently like Steve Parrish, other get into running teams (Ago, Roberts senior, Pons, etc), some go into real estate (Kocinski). Some retire but still frighten the shit out of the current riders (Stoner). And some explode. Like a firework. But without the colours. Or the bang. If the sulking school boy doesn’t pull this out of the bag soon, it’ll be goodnight Vienna. However his troubles of riding in the wet are long known, and little cared for. Sheesh – all that money and he can’t learn to ride in the wet? Shabby…..

Rossi however seems more intent on believing his own legendary status than Ago believes his. Do you think its something Italian? Let us explain; once the master of all things tactical, Rossi is now in revenge mode. Since missing out on his tenth WC, he appears to have slid over the line of determination into the land of daftness. He says he missed his lapboard as the track dried telling him to come in. Now he is the lone voice wanting bike to pit radios. Next he’ll want four wheels and KERS, and a red paint job. A bit like a Ferrari.

By the MotoGP race the marshals (heroes every one) at Turn 8 had their job sussed. If they were on a crash-bonus they would have been richer than our editor. And when Marquez lost it, they must have rubbed their hands with glee. The fact that he didn’t crash shows how little he cares for the income of a marshal. Rubbish! He did, however, get his tyre swap right (apart from getting commentators’ underwear* in a twist about in-gear/out of gear shenanigans), and set off like the proverbial stabbed rat.

Winning looks easy for Marquez. Friend of the stars (we mean Mark Cavendish), Isle of Man resident Low Crutch did a fantastic job to justify his “I’m the fourth fastest” by actually being the second fastest on the day. That should perk up his bank balance by a few hundred. Thousand.

Dovi filled the final step by actually being really good this weekend. One of the best to ever throw his leg over a Ducati (second to that Aussie bloke) he’s had a rough time as his soon to be ex-teammate nerfed him off and basically screwed up his season. So well done Dovi. The fact that Hector the Vector showed Rossi how to ride a Ducati GP14 also made us grin fair old bit. Eventually Rossi’s shame goaded him into passing Hector and beating him by 0.2 of a second. Result!

At the end the rest of the field was more spread out than the legs on a Vietnamese hooker in a down town bar in Saigon in the 1970s.

They’re all off on holiday now, and that means we can have a rest from trying to crowbar humour in without libelling anyone. Phew!

* actually thinking of Julian Ryder’s underwear is frightening

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