NOT the MotoGP News: Jerez… “Hello, my name is Stereo Mike*”

*What else would you title your article? Yep, the opening line from Drinking in LA by Bran Van 3000!!!! – Happy 3000th raceiversary MotoGP!

Welcome to NOT The MotoGP News – our blog by Guy Anderson. Oh – and when you’re done, make sure to go follow Guy on Twitter – @SirGuyGuisborne

In DORMA’s attempt to spread the name of MotoGP far and wide Carmelo Ezpeleta sends his circus of clowns across many continents and to many strange lands. Then the series really starts in many people’s minds when the circus touches down in Europe. They say travel broadens the mind………

Jerez is the home of sherry, once your gran’s favourite drink, and now no doubt a drink of many a hipster. It’s also in Spain which (although sounding rather obvious), is the home of MotoGP in general, and provider of many a fine donkey chucker. Our favourite Spanish rider? Ruben Xaus and no mistake. Who else could you chose. Seriously.

Whilst we sat locked in the bunker the Ed likes us to be in when watching races, we noticed that the UK broadcaster claimed that many of the bumps at the circuit were caused by Formula 1. We’re not sure when F1 last ran at Jerez (1997 actually – Ed), but never let the facts get in the way of a good story eh?

Right Moto3. As usual Moto3 hit all the right spots at every right moment; it’s a bit like the G-spot of bike racing. The gift that keeps on giving….. ahem.

But not for John Saltire McPhee having to start from 25th on the grid. More on that later. The top dozen got stuck in for lap after lap of pure unadulterated joy. Being on a good bike is always going to help, and what with his name sounding just like that of the current world champion Brad Binder, someone call Darryn Binder seems to have found it easy to pick up a great ride. So the young Sarf Africaaan got his head down and fought tooth and nail with Can-It. To be fair to every other rider in the group, there were more muggings lap by lap than by youths on scooters in posh bits of London. In the end the excitement got the better of Binder and yep, he binned her (you’re banned from using that joke this season – Ed) with 13 laps to go on the last corner.

Back to McPhee; a thoroughly pants weekend after getting everyone’s hopes up this season it went even further wrong than starting from 25th – he fell at turn 1 with 9 to go. Bummer.

We’re running out of superlatives to describe Moto3, but we’ve recorded the race just to re-watch the last lap over and over……. Can-It from Fenati from the USSR Space Station (Mir).

The trouble with watching Moto3 is that you know that as soon as it’s finished Moto2 is on. Bugger. Yes, we know it’s the toughest class to do well in, but on the entertainment front it makes anything by Simon Cowell look positively Reithian. Please DORMA, make them use narrower tyres or add some other street standard engines in. Or let’s even try having snipers around the circuit or water jumps maybe? And then along comes Mattia Pasini and you hope. And you think back to 125, and Polaris World. It all goes a bit misty eyed in the bunker when we think back about that, but hayfever…….

And for utter confusion your mind might turn to Danny “trapped nerve” Kent. Trapped nerve? Bloody nerve more like. All we could hear was “lassen Sie sich nicht die Tür auf dem Weg, um Ihren Boden losschlagen”. Or something like that. Riding in Grand Prix is a bloody dream job, and to walk away from it is unfathomable. Imagine having to explain to your Job Centre Plus Careers Adviser in Malmesbury why you’re having to sign on: “Uummmmm I threw it all away because my hair was out of place.” Good luck with that Dan.

The best team in Moto2 is the Marc VDS team. They must be all over the team standings already. Though we’re not keen on the red bits. But we’re not financing the team so we need to shut up sometimes. “Faster than Marc” Alex Marquez has a bit of a thing to prove this season or he might be off somewhere else with Dan Kent. And Frankie Morbid-Deli is just riding so well, you’d be forgiven for thinking he’s got Rabat’s bike next year. The two of them legged it early doors to make every other rider feel like giving up just like Dan the Man. Except every other rider isn’t like Danny and they didn’t give up. Egg-erter, Vierge, et al got stuck in. We’re sure Kiefer used a new bored out 750 engine for Domi just to make Kent look daft. And well worth it, it was. Morbdi-Deli dropped a rare bollock and fell with 17 laps to go. We like Frankie, but there was no way we wanted him to make a clean sweep this season; we have money on other riders. Kent! Bugger.

Only Pasini and Baggi-naia provided any semblance of interest in your real actual racing as a form of entertainment. And indeed Mattia did make the save of the weekend to wake us from a boredom-induced coma. To heck with it – onto MotoGP!

Lorenzo owns this circuit but Ducati doesn’t. Zarco is a two time World Champion. These three facts are boring. But we’re recovering from writing about Moto2. Strangely the front row was a ‘Onda lock-up/lock-out. Whatever. And although Lorenzo has done so well here in the past he only (only?!?!) managed to be eighth on the grid. Hmmmmm.

Well being eighth on the grid means there’s at least seven riders to overtake. Good news! Well for us punters anyway. And Zarco got into the mix by basically overtaking more riders in 2 laps than F1 does in a whole season. Boy he was dead keen to get to France to vote wasn’t he? Our notes read thus,

“Zarco on Rossi! Ace!
Dani escaping
Zarco on Vin!
Zarco on Cal!
Zarco on Iannone”

Those few notes basically sum up the whole feeling of the race. Throw in Jorge totally dumbfounding most of us by riding like he did few years back on Bridgestones and we’re as happy as Larry lamb in a meadow full of buttercups. Happy birthday Jorge!

And Jack Miller. Well it was all going quite well until Bautista skittled him at Turn 1. So far, so disappointing. But Jack wasn’t having any of it and promptly threw a handbag at Alvaro resulting in a small fine from DORMA. Whoops.

In the meantime Dani maintained some kind of miracle pace no matter the surface temps and Marc settled for second. Jorge took a well deserved third to much relief in the Bologna team. #phew. And Rossi had a complete mare with a decidedly crap front end being passed by pretty much everyone including Aleix on the Prilly. To be honest, Rossi looks his age these days. And having a naff front tyre must make him feel even older.

Oh and Dan Kent has a wild card at Le Mans in Moto3 with Aki Ajo. Mind that haircut Danny.