NOT the MotoGP News: Argentina

 In News, NOT The MotoGP News

Yep – we’re off to sunny and wet Albertos y Los Trios Paranois circuit in Argentina. Oh my it’s a long long way to go… And still we can’t escape from BT Spurt (look you didn’t go, and it’s the only way I’d let you see the races – Ed).

The thing is it’s a great track with similarities to Assen and Silverstone (ahem) apart from the bumpy bits. But wow its along long way to go for a stunning track and endless barbeques. But we didn’t go. Did we say the ed wouldn’t pay for us to go?

Well as usual Moto3 served up its treats first including the use of kangaroo fuel by Jaume Masia; wow that was some pogoing start there fella! His excitement may have got the better of him, but he didn’t suffer too much, and within the first lap the front three were nearly in a breakaway group. That’s got to be rarer than an Argentinian steak cooked over a bed of ice.

Lap 2 and serial underperformer Aron “sweater” Can-it was leading whilst Filip Salac had a Turn 13 moment and fell off. As ever by the fourth lap the group was back as one. A bit like the Spice Girls but with talent. But also, as ever the race was throwing up more inconsistencies than Donald Trump in a Russian hotel; King of Qatar Toba was in fourteenth whilst Jacob Kornfeil was off at either Turn 12 or Turn 13; like it matters to anyone?

After his inglorious start, Masia was back at the front swapping places and paint with Can-it and Sasaki whilst McPhee, resplendent in his Saltire under-crackers, was up to 5th over the line. Despite dominating all weekend, the Scot decided to give everyone else a chance by cocking up qualifying thus starting from 11th. Ooops. A lap later and last year’s vunder-kid at Valencia, Can O’Cola (surely that’s Can Oncu? – Ed) was heading for an early shower after diving off at turn 1. Such is the randomness of life eh kids?

A lap later and John “Nanny” McPhee hit the front. And then ran wide. Darryn Binder meanwhile had hoiked his Sarf African arse up from 20th on the grid to 3rd. He does however have a whiff of “utter nutter” about him. Which just happens to be the name of Iannone’s next fragrance for men maybe. Or not.

By lap 10 our notes read “Bin (Binder) leads. Utter madness” and that’s pretty accurate to be honest, but then again that’s par for the course. Our favourite Dennis (Foggia) was into 9th and Kung Fu Panda (Yep – that’s Fenati) was 15th. We’re kind of enthralled and appalled by the diminutive nut-job, but like every other car crash, it’s hard to take your eyes off of him. By now Daz Binder was trying to do what all Moto3 riders try to do – make a break for it. Doesn’t often work and it didn’t today either.

And then on the twelfth lap McPhee took Lopez out. Except he didn’t; inside info revealed to us and not a national bike paper showed Lopez had run into McPhee earlier and severed his rear break line. Thus, in an enormous act of rebalancing the universe, when McPhee steamed into Turn 13 without a rear brake, the only rider in front of him and usable as a stopping device was (un)fortunately Lopez. Take that Lopez; enjoy the fine from Race Control, and mind the door doesn’t smack your arse on the way out (Is that a little harsh? – Ed).

By lap 14 our favourite Dennis of the Foggia variety was leading whilst Perez oiked himself off at Turn 13. When we say lead, what we really mean is that he was at the front of an almighty group of about a dozen testosterone-fuelled loons including Can-it, Rodrigo and Dalla Porta. It’s hard to call being at the front “leading” as that implies a they have a good chance to win, and sure they do, but not often. By this time of the race it’s invariably someone in 9th or 15th who wins a few laps later.

With two laps to go Dall Porta was looking especially good and maintained that good look until last lap. As we said leading isn’t leading and winning comes from somewhere else (what the f*!^$?!? – Ed). Kangaroo-fuelled Masia took the win from Daz Binder by a smidgen of a gnat’s cock hair

So Moto2 logically was the next race and we sighed a little because although the new Triumph engines promise more exciting racing, we’re not sure it’s going to deliver exciting racing. Why? No idea; you think we’re Mat Oxley or someone else with knowledge? You’ve come to the wrong place folks.

Surprise of the season so far has been the wonderful client of our Editor, Remy Gardener. The Ed has reminded us we can’t do any jokes about where he’s from, or who his father is. So, we won’t (who is his father anyway?)

But Remy VSOP (Very Special Ocker Person) didn’t have the prime spot on the grid. That went to Xavi Vierge who had pole. Well for all of half a sighting lap. Which is when his electronics went “phut”. Yep; nothing wrong with the Triumph engine ya know. So fellow Marc VDS rider, Alex Marquez had no one in front of him. Markie Snotter and Alex Lowes were 2nd and third on the grid. Lowes overcooked it at the very first corner, running wide and allowing Schrotter into the lead with Marquez snaffling second. Bad-Ass was 5th and Remy 3rd.

Second lap and Remy VSOP took the lead and set about making a bigger gap than any Aussie could make in a fence escaping prison. And there he stayed for the next few laps, whilst Toblerone Luthi and Alex Lowes bother choreographed their respective crashes at Turn 7. Luthi snaffled the rear of Brad Binder and slid, whilst Lowes managed it all by himself, losing the front a few metres ahead.

The front 4 of Remy, Snotter, Marquez and Bad-Ass, seemed to have a gap of about 2 seconds to Binder by lap 8, and to be fair the battles between them should have kept us more entertained. But it didn’t. Sorry.

By lap 13 Remy VSOP was in front from teacher’s pet Alex Marquez from Marcel “Marceau” Schrotter who is possibly the nicest and most intelligent rider in the whole circus and no mistake. As ever Moto2 is never as close as Moto3 and that’s what probably irks us. All the time the race progressed Bad-Ass Baldasarri was working his way through the field of triples like a hero. We like Bad-Ass a lot so that was good. Cursed-by-being-you-know-who’s-half-brother, Luca Marini began to step out from under his rock last season, and his progress continues this year, to the point he’ll one day be better known that you-know-who. Maybe. Anywho Marini was once again fighting for better than mis-pack mediocrity trying his best to fight with the top six. Ahead Lecuona surprised us all by being there almost as much as Remy VSOP did of actually not getting arrested on the way from the airport.

By lap 17 Bad-Ass was attacking Marquez who surrendered his place quicker than an Italian soldier facing an air cadet. He’s doing marvellously isn’t he? We mean that Marquez fella. Interesting pictures of Alzamora possibly? Nope. Never. A lap later and Marquez ran wide allowing Brad Binned-Her to make his move; possibly the easiest rider to overtake on the track? Remy took the lead and Bad-Ass moved into second whilst the whole front seven closed up quicker than a sponsor’s wallet when Puig comes a-knocking.

Lat year we gave Nicola Bulega a right kicking and funny it was too. But we knew his problems were size related in comparison to the Moto3 bike he was on. This year has been a tiny tiny tiny bit better for him. So far. Until he retired because of arm pump. What?!?! Well onwards to the next round in COTAS we assume…..!

3 laps from the end, super stylish current Moto3 World Champion and all-round good guy George Martin slid off at flat-cambered Turn 5 followed by Joe Roberts the love child of you know who. Not really. Well, yes he fell off, but the other bit isn’t true. Sorry. At the front Remy got ne4rfed wide and Schrotter slid into second whilst the leader Bad-Ass just kept gapping and gapping at the front. The last lap shenanigans allowed Marquez into third with Remy still in second whilst Bad-Ass took the win! Yay. Ahem.

So, the MotoGP race was up next. What a surprise! Just like an antibiotic follow a dose of the clap, so MotoGP follows Moto2

Alex’s considerably faster brother is called Marc, and hey guess what? He was on pole. Next to him was the new Random Number Generator* Mav Viñales with Andrea Dovi making up the front row of the grid.

Super surprise was fellow Aussie Jack Miller. In a vain glorious effort to match Remy VSOP, Miller made a kangaroo-like hop for the lead on the first lap, but that was really about it; Both Rossi and Viñales past him, and Rossi got past Dovi too.

By Lap 2 Markie Marquez was leading by a mile. Lap 3, and he was a second faster per lap. It’s not boring, it’s amazing. Just how can the slower of the two brothers be so quick? There is, of course, a logical answer, but we just can’t put our finger on it for the moment. Lap 3 was also the first sign of trouble for Cal Lowcrutch (damn this pesky auto correct! – Ed). Suffering from a trigger finger with the yips, Cal had inadvertently jumped the start in his effort to out gun Miller and keep Marquez in his sights. Cue lots of Twitter activity whilst the BSB Admin Manager tried yet again to gain the upper hand over DORMA. Did someone just yawn?

By now, a right royal ding dong had broken out between Rossi and Dovi with Frankly Morbid-Deli in fourth trying to catch up with his boss. It was nearly all that kept us from being bored. And then Tilbury Dock’s most famous decorator started putting together some stunning laps; lap 11 he was past Taka Origami; lap 15 he was past Top Bum Viñales; next lap he was past seating chucker Miller. By lap 19 Rins was 5th whilst Petrucci was into 4th.

Marquez however was miles away. Pretty much so far ahead he was putting in laps at COTAS. The only remarkable incident on the last lap was Viñales and Morbid fell on the last lap. Rossi was second ahead of Dovi in third.

Boring? Yes and no. Well, no. Great track, great ride by Marquez, good scrap for the other two podium places. A sensible conclusion? Well for once yes. Normal service will be resumed at COTAS hopefully.

*Thank you Stuey

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